Tales of Oops!
by Smylingsnake
Summary: Amusing ideas arise during the writing of "Oops!". Some of them grow into oneshot stories. Here you will find those stories. Updated whenever the Muse pops by.
1. Chapter 1

**Though it should be abundantly obvious by now, I don't own Naruto. Ok? Ok. **

Neji's Birthday Present

Hyuuga Neji did not generally enjoy his birthday very much. Oh, he liked the _concept_ well enough, make no mistake, and he made sure to remember the birthdays of his friends and team-mates, but birthdays in the Hyuuga Compound tended to be solemn, quiet affairs. Serious, thoughtful gifts were given, serious, thoughtful conversations were had with serious, thoughtful people and, on the whole, not much fun was had.

In his heart of hearts, Neji longed for the kind of birthday his friends had, with a party and laughter and silly (but well-chosen) gifts.

And cake. Can't forget the cake.

Sadly, the likelihood of something like that happening to him was, he knew, up there with the Hokage's pet founding an aerial attack force.

Which was why the note from Hinata, asking him to come to her team's training ground following the 'celebration' at home, intrigued him. He'd heard of the "surprise party" phenomenon from Tenten and thought it a thoroughly captivating idea, but surely Fate wouldn't-

"SURPRISE!!!"

Staring at the shower of confetti, the streamers festooning the trees and the smiling faces of his friends (and the giant cake. Can't forget that), the last of Neji's convictions on the immutability of Fate faded away. Ushered to a comfortable spot near the Cake, Neji woke from his happy daze to behold the wrapped box being presented to him by a grinning Naruto.

Presents! He had Presents! Not history scrolls, not dry political texts, Presents! With colourful wrapping! And ribbons! Neji was almost too gobsmacked to actually open them, but the gentle suggestion from Kurenai-sensei that once he opened them he could have Cake jerked him into action.

A bonsai oak from Naruto (who knew he had such a cultured hobby?). Titanium kunai from Tenten. A lucky cat statue and a "Get out of challenges for a month" card from Gai-sensei and Lee. Two month's worth of free meal vouchers, from Team Ten's favourite restaurant, from Ino and Chouji (apparently he was "too scrawny"). A book of 'magic eye' puzzles from Shikamaru (ha ha, very funny, Nara). Healing creams from Sakura and a very rare jutsu scroll from the Uchiha clan library.

Coming down from present-induced euphoria, the young Hyuuga looked up to see all four members of Team Eight smiling at him.

"Kiba, Shino and I worked together on our gift, Neji-ni", said Hinata, stutter-free and with a hint of mischief. "If you like it, I'm happy to cast it for you once per week", continued Kurenai, flicking through handseals. "Enjoy!"

There was a flash of light and Neji alone in a broad, grassy field. The warm sun shone down from a deep blue sky and a gentle breeze caressed his face, fluttering his hair as it passed. It was certainly pleasant here, he thought, but how was it a-?

"Mew!"

Looking down toward his feet, Neji's eyes widened. His hands began to tremble. A blush rose on his face.

It was a kitten.

Not just a kitten, though. It was the smallest, fluffiest, cutest, most _adorable_ black-kitten-with-one-white-paw that ever was, with the big blue eyes, long whiskers and the most captivatingly clumsy movements that could possibly be imagined.

Gently picking up the fuzzy ball of feline cuteness, Neji snuggled it into his face, eyes closed in bliss. Surely there was no way this could possibly get any-

"Mew."

"Mew." "Mew."

"Mew". "Mew!" "Mew". "Mew?"

Hinata smiled at the blissful look on her cousin's face as the genin and their teachers quietly departed, leaving Neji to bask in his gifts and Cake.

Kiba nudged her with a grin.

"Told you he'd like it".

Ultimately, Neji reflected later, the "Kittenworld Paradise" genjutsu, specially commissioned by Team Eight, was the Greatest. Gift. Ever.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

As it says in the previews, the idea for this little one-shot came to be while writing 'Oops!' and refused to leave my head until i'd done something about it. It's not intended to be taken overly seriously, not is it part of 'Oops!' canon (unless it need it to be!). If reading this prompted a chuckle from you, then it has served its purpose.

There'll be another chapter herein soon enough, but don't expect one for my other stories for a while. Real Life is giving me a little trouble over the break. still, more writing time!

Smylingsnake out.


	2. Naruto's Dream come True?

**Naruto's Dream Come True?**

The brush slid easily through the golden locks. It was hair that was the envy of every woman in Konoha: golden, silken, cascading over his shoulders like a ray of sunlight. "Spun Gold" the _Kunoichi Newsletter_ called it. "A living work of Art" claimed _Fire Country Monthly._

'_Kyuubi-sama was right'_, he thought as the brush gently caressed his scalp. _'Long hair really is the way to popularity'._

He'd never forget the day he'd finally agreed to allow his tenant to tweak his hair follicles. That had been the day everything had changed for the better. Goodbye to glares and sneers. Now, his former detractors bowed as he passed. No more being ignored by girls, oh no. Long hair had finally revealed his 'Inner Bishounen' and now? Well, the challenge now lay in finding some time _alone_!

The sponsorship from Fire Country's largest shampoo-manufacturer had solved his financial woes for life, leaving him time to really concentrate on his training. Finally having both the opportunity and the drive to properly establish a firm grounding in the basics had done wonders. He'd made jounin at seventeen, ANBU a year later and was now just a months from finally achieving his lifelong dream. None of the council, not even those formerly his most stalwart enemies, wanted to deny Konoha's Blond God his goal.

A gently chuckle broadened Naruto's smile at that thought, golden hair flowing slightly in the breeze it made. He'd thought at the time that things couldn't possibly get better.

'_Only goes to show, you _can_ improve on perfection'_ he thought. Kyuubi-sama's 'birthday present' had been the final push needed to cement his position as 'Most Revered Ninja of All Time'. And that was just the start!

A knock at the dressing room door brought him out of his musings. "Naruto-sama, the cameramen are ready when you are".

"Thanks Sakura-chan, I'll be right out." Smiling at the young woman's blush, the young Adonis swept his hair into a loose ponytail and strolled to the door, casting one final glance at the mirror.

"You were right, Kyuubi-sama", he murmured, running a hand through the soft, chest-length beard. "Facial hair is the way".

"Naruto-sama!"

"Hai, I'm coming!"

A soft laugh at his wool-gathering followed him as he closed the door and strode off briskly, ready for his first photo shoot for _'Hirsute Hombre'_ magazine.

* * *

"AAAHHHH!!!"

Naruto blasted up from his pillows and frantically pawed at his face. Finding nothing but smooth skin, he fell bonelessly back onto his mattress in sheer relief.

'_Ok, that tears it. No more sushi before bed'._

Within the darkened vaults of Naruto's unconscious mind, a pair of red eyes gleamed.

"**Hehehe. It's only a matter of time, gaki…"**

* * *

**Author's notes:**  
Well, loyal readers, here's the second installment. There's something curiously compelling about the thought of Naruto with a beard, isn't there? Possibly because you hardly ever see anime characters with facial hair beyond a basic mustache that aren't either a) Ancient and a bit perverted (think Sarutobi), or b) villains (Ikari Gendo anyone?). And those few good characters with beards tend to get killed off, as well! Grrr... End the facial hair prejudice in Anime!  
Ahem...  
Thanks a lot for the reviews as well. I think i'll have to have more appearances of Neji the Kitten Freak in my main story, judging from the reader responses.

Anyway, i hope you like this little piece of crazy. I'm working on the next installments of my other stories as well, but it's slow going. Gomen.

Enjoy!

Smylingsnake out.


	3. Giving is its Own Reward!

**Giving is its own Reward!**

"- And then the castle fell down," concluded Naruto as he finished regaling the rest of Team Gai with his version of the Library Mission.

Reactions were mixed. Gai and Lee vacillated between weeping at Naruto's Youthfulness and yelling in joy at the prospect of 'Intense Training'.

Tenten, outwardly (and genuinely, truth to tell) interested and attentive, was seething on the inside.

'_Damn that Shizune, using his love of ramen to worm her way into his affections! And that Kuroyama tramp, with that "Ooh, my name's a secret," gimmick! No, no. Happy Place, Tenten, Happy Place. Nice swords. Pretty kunai. Ahh…'_

Ok, moving on…

Neji…well, who could tell? Unfortunately, the Hyuuga expression of Mild Interest was, to an outsider, almost indistinguishable from the expression of Utter Disdain.

Or Murderous Rage, for that matter.

"-Anyway," continued Naruto cheerfully, "it was your help that hot me back to taking missions, so I wanted to pay you back. Especially you, Ten-chan."

In accordance with certain universal laws, Naruto, fumbling in his equipment pouch, completely missed the rosy blush on Tenten's face and the amused smirks of her male companions.

"Ah! There it is!" Naruto, the bright grin on his features illuminating the clearing, flourished a sealing scroll.

"See, Daihon-san let me take my pick of the books and stuff the other clans donated and I saw a few that I thought you'd like."

A smear of blood, a puff of smoke and a flurry of motion later and each member of Team Gai were left holding a scroll.

"Ok guys, Ten-chan, I'm headed for Ichiraku," chattered the blond as he trotted off. "Hope you like 'em. Bye!"

"Do you suppose Naruto-san isn't very comfortable giving gifts?" wondered Neji after a moment, prompting a cautious nod from Tenten.

'_And…was he blushing?'_

Giving a collective shrug at the eccentric blond, the four turned to their scrolls. The sound of rustling parchment arose, cut off sharply as a shocked silence filled the clearing.

Tenten was the first to speak. Swallowing to moisten her abruptly dry mouth, she slowly looked up from her gift.

"T-this is _'Principles of Damascene Metallurgy'_! There's only a hundred copies in the _world_! I never even dreamed…!"

"'_Fanning your Youthful Fires'_ by A.L. Armstrong," added Gai, his voice uncharacteristically low. "I too never hoped to receive such a boon. What of yours, my cute protégé?"

"'_Combat Curry: Food for Fighting',_" the green-clad boy replied in a quavering voice, a trail of manly tears flowing down his face. "T-there are no words…"

Tuning out a tearful Gai clutching Lee in a (surprisingly quiet) manhug, Tenten noted the quizzical look on Neji's features as he gazed at his unrolled scroll.

"So, what did Naruto-kun give you, Neji-kun?"

"I'm not actually sure," replied the Hyuuga prodigy in a bemused tone. "It's a summoning contract, but I can't make out what animal it's for. Just something about 'Great Hunters, revered by all'."

"Sounds pretty good to me," said Tenten, intrigued. "You should sign it and try it out. It's not like you'll have to use it, after all."

After a moment of thought, the Hyuuga nodded, bit his thumb and signed. Taking a deep breath, he flicked through the requisite handseals.

"_**Kuchiyose no Jutsu!"**_

There was a burst of smoke, and…

"Mew!"

* * *

"Oi, Shizune, aren't you going to open your souvenir?"

Looking up at her mentor and leader (who was thoroughly enjoying the first-harvest sake that was the blond's gift to _her_), Shizune's look of confusion at the question rapidly shifted to pleased recollection.

"Oh, yes! I wonder what it…is…"

Looking up from her cup of alcoholly goodness as her apprentice trailed off, Tsunade gawked at the sight of a pale, trembling Shizune staring in awe at a green scroll.

"Shizune?"

"…"

"Shizune!"

"Mwaa…"

"Shizune, dammit! What's wrong?"

"This…T-this is _'Pressure Points, Senbon and Dim-Mak techniques of the Kiri hunter Corps'_! One of Kirigakure's highest Black Books! How-?!"

Watching her apprentice sink into shocked, giggling glee, the blond Hokage sighed and took another sip of sake.

* * *

"-And then the castle fell down," concluded Naruto, turning his attention back to the ramen that swirled invitingly in his Awesome Bowl.

'_I don't think I'll ever get tired of telling that part of the story.'_

About to take another bite, his newly-sensitive ears twitched.

"eeeeeeeeeeee…"

'_What the hell is that? Sounds like a fangirl, but the voice is different.'_

"eeeeeeEEEEEEEE…"

"**Whatever it is, it's getting closer."**

'_Yeah, it is.'_

A trickle of dust fell from the ceiling as a faint tremor was felt.

"**Gaki…"**

'_Yeah, I think you're right, Fox,' _replied the blond, placing some Ryo on the counter. _'I'm getting a bad feeling about this.'_

The rumbling grew as he stepped onto the streets, causing the paper lanterns to sway and jostle.

"naaaaaaaRRRRRUUUUUUUTTTTOOOOO!!!"

"**Oh shit! Run Gaki!"**

Too late. The blond had barely time to turn before being brought down by a flying glomp from an ecstatic Neji. Staggering in panic back to his feet, he was struck from the opposite direction by Gai and Lee in a rolling rugby ruck, then from above by an aerial Tenten, each one babbling paeans of praise and thanks.

'_Ok,'_ thought a resigned Naruto. _'Shizune-neechan in three, two, one…'_

-Glomp!-

'_Yep, right on time.'_

It would ultimately take a full twenty minutes for the blond to persuade his captors to release him, and the combined efforts of Tenten, Gai and Lee to remove Neji, seemingly determined to permanently attach himself to the blond's apparel.

'_It was probably a mistake to give Neji the Cat-Summoning contract.'_

"**Noooo, ya think?"**

* * *

**Author's Comments:**

And there's the latest installation! there were a few people asking about the gifties Naruto handed out in 'Oops! chapter 5'. Mystery solved!  
I'm honestly not sure where the inspiration for this chapter came from, beyond idly wondering what might prompt the whole of Team Gai to tackle-glomp Naruto and how i might plug that into the Library mission chapter. i think it worked out pretty well.

Incidentally, this chapter will be considered Oops! canon, with the various gifts being occasionally referenced in future chapters. Especially the Cat Contract. he he he...

Anyway,

**Reviews**!

Zaion Indulias: Thanks! always nice to prompt a bout of Maniacal Laughter.

Firehedgehog: Ok...TWO reviews with laughter. I am both flattered and a little worried ; )

Love Psycho: I agree, it would be nice to wander into Kitten World on occasion. Fuzzy...

Aurora Ivy Fang: Thank you! it's very gratifying to get this many kind reviews. I'm a little surprised at the reception of Neji the Kitten Freak, to be honest. Along with YouthSpeak, it's the second random "Hey, that might be funny" snippet to be taken on by my readers. Thanks!

Lord Sia: Heh. i could go into a well-reasoned and researched rant on the merits of facial hair, but i fear that would push me still futher up the Scale of Youth.  
Yeah. I haven't been able to find too much info on the characters of Team Gai, but they always seemed a little under-explored to me. So i thought to myself "what would be an unexpected yet understandable character quirk for them to have?" and the results you can see.  
As for Lee, all i can say is that it's always the quiet ones...  
I haven't seen Perfect Girl Evolution, but i too shudder at the thought of Lee being made responsible for a young woman's induction into the Ways of Youth.

Well, that's that. i'll probably have another one or two drabbles from the Library Mission up in the next week or so, so until then, stay tuned.

Smylingsnake out.


	4. The Naming of Weapons

Nope, still don't own Naruto.

'_Thinking'_

"**Kyuubi speaking"**

-Sound Effect-

'_**Jutsu'**_

* * *

"**The Naming of Weapons is a Difficult Matter…"**

"So, Naruto-kun," said Tenten as she rang up Naruto's purchases. "How are you going to name your new partner?"

"Name it? Whadda ya mean, Ten-chan?"

"Don't tell me you don't know?" she frowned. Growling at his confused look, she continued.

"Honestly, what are they teaching at the academy these days? Ok," she brightened abruptly. "It's like this. For a weapon to properly aid its partner and be Properly Badarse, it needs to have a name. A name allows extra Badarse Catchphrases, greater Intimidation Potential and a hefty bonus to your Badarse Reputation Building score. If you want to be something more than a base-level sword-swinger, naming your partner is _essential_!"

Naruto was, by now, feeling more than a little intimidated. This was, to a large extent, due to his steel-loving friend having seized him by the collars of his jacket during the final moments of her rant, her face (complete with Sparkly Eyes of Glee) now less than five centimetres from his own.

"Sooo…" he said carefully, gingerly disengaging her death-grip on his lapels and taking a careful pace back. "What sort of name should I pick?"

"Good question!" chirped Tenten, completely ignoring her current perch on the counter. "It has to be a good one, an impressive one. No-one would respect a weapon called "Bob", after all."

"Hmm… "Vera", maybe?"

"'Vera'? No, I don't think so. What made you think of that?"

"Dunno. I was thinking 'Big Damn Hero', and…"

Tenten considered for a moment, then shook her head.

"No. No, it's generally best to steer clear of women's names, just like with tattoos. If it was a katana or a rapier, maybe, but not a big iron club."

Naruto (having pegged this as another one of those mysteries of Femaledom to which he was not privy) nodded seriously.

"**Good call, Gaki."**

"Now," continued Tenten uninterrupted. "You have several styles of name to choose from. First, there's the Descriptive, where the name alludes to the weapon's appearance or function."

"Like the Viper's Tongue?"

"Like the Viper's Tongue, yes."

"**Kyuubi wants the Whiiiiiip…"**

'_Quiet!'_

"Next, there's the Ironic, opposite to the Descriptive, where the name belies the form or function of the weapon."

"Like, um…calling a wakizashi "Hill Cleaver" or "Dragon's Fang" or something?"

Tenten favoured him with a look a teacher might bestow on a gifted student.

"Exactly! This allows both a surprise bonus when your enemies expect one weapon and get another, and an intimidation boost when they start to wonder why _that_ weapon has _that_ name."

"So, I might call my club "Willow Wand" or something and have people think it's something small and light?"

"Yeah, that's the idea. Now, the third category is the Esoteric. This takes after the Descriptive method but goes a bit deeper and takes a bit more thought. This is the best of the three, in my opinion. All the best and most memorable weapons have Esoteric-type names. "Grass Cutter", "Sunlit Heart", "Green Destiny", "Buster Baron"…"

"Aren't some of them from manga, Ten-chan?"

"…so?"

"Ok, good point. So, any ideas?"

* * *

--Approximately one hour later--

"'The Crusher'?"

"No, too obvious. 'Kami no Ken'?"

"Nah, that'd just be tempting fate. 'Midnight Thunder'?"

"Hmm…Throw that one in the 'Maybe' column, I think."

Naruto grunted and scribbled the name on a nearby sheet of paper before returning to his contemplation.

"'**Kyuubi's Tail'"**

'_I'm not even going to dignify that with a response, Fox.'_

"'Steel Lotus'?"

"A little girly, isn't it?"

"Of course not!" exclaimed Tenten, her tone affronted. "It demonstrates elegance, sophistication and sets off the weapon's air of brutality nicely."

"…I'll add it to the 'Maybe' column then, shall I?"

"**I knew I liked her for a reason."**

"'Excaliborg'?"

"That…feels eerily appropriate and scares the hell out of me at the same time. I'm gonna go with 'No' here, Ten-chan. Sorry."

"Oh well. Ooh. Ooh! Ooh, I got it! The perfect name! Oh, I'm a genius. A genius! Muahahaha!"

"Well come on then! Tell me!"

"'Mr. Smashy'!"

"…"/ **"…"**

"Isn't it perfect?"

"…"/ **"…"**

"What?"

"'Mr…Smashy…?"

"It's a good name!"

"Oh yeah, it's great! It's just that, um, I think I'll go with my other choice."

"Which is…?"

"'Kurohime'."

"What did I say about female names for the tetsubo?"

"Yeah, I know, but I was just thinking…"

"What?" prompted Tenten as the blond trailed off, a slight blush on his face.

"Well, I was thinking that the club's a lot like the women I know. I mean, it's really strong and cool, really, _really_ tough and it can kick lots of arse."

Inner Tenten, previously sulking at her friend's blunt rejection of her suggestion, promptly melted.

'_Squee! He says the _sweetest_ things, that baka!'_

Yes, Gentle Reader. Tenten is in Happy Twinkle Land from being compared with a giant studded iron club. Make of that what you will.

Fighting off the soppy grin and blush, the bun-haired girl paused to think for a few moments before nodding.

"'Kurohime'. Hmm. Yes, I think you've got something there. Well chosen, Naruto-kun!"

Basking in the warmth radiating from the broad Naruto Grin ™, Tenten busied herself with finalising and packing up her friend's purchases. It was probably fortunate they had stopped when they had, she thought as the register chimed. She'd been on the verge of delving back into the Descriptive.

'_And based on how he reacted to 'Mr. Smashy', I don't even want to _imagine_ what he'd say about 'Insurance Destroyer'.'_

* * *

Omake:

"Ooh. Ooh! Ooh, I got it! The perfect name! Oh, I'm a genius. A genius! Muahahaha!"

"Well come on then! Tell me!"

"'Mr. Smashy'!"

"…"/ **"…"**

"Isn't it perfect? It's the naming convention I use for all my gear."

Saying this, the enthusiastic weapons fanatic unsealed a mass of edged implements onto the counter-top.

"See? This is Mr. Stabby, and this is Mr. Pointy, and this is Mr. Slicey, and this is Mr. Pokey, and this is…"

--Three Hours Later--

"-Mr. Dig-into-the-joints-and-sever-the-tendons, and this is Mr. Stick-under-the-skin-and-shred-muscle-fibre, and this is-"

'…_hey Fox. You dead?'_

"…**make it stop…"**

"-And my very favourite of all, Mr. Shiney!"

"**Oh thank you Inari-sama. Thank you thank you thank you…"**

"Which brings us to my shuriken collection. This is Mr. Spinney, and this is-"

"**What? No! NOOOO!!!"**

It would be three more hours before Naruto would be allowed to leave. Kyuubi's whimpering didn't stop for five.

* * *

**Author's comments:**

Well, can you tell i like using the word "Badarse"? i think there may have been some subtle signs in the text. he he he.

Anyway, bonus zen points if you can spot and name all the weapon references included herein. the thought occures to me that there isn't really much creativity in the types of names given to anime weapons, though i will give a tip of the hat to the zanpakuto in Bleach. Anyway, i noticed the trend that named weapons are, as a rule, better than their anonymous equivalents and figured that, as a weapons fanatic, there is no way Tenten would be unaware of this. this chapter was the result.

and now,  
Reviews:

michael68: Glad you liked Neji the Kitten Freak, but sorry, there will be no catboys in my fanfiction. i might entertain a catboy henge for pranking potential, though...hmm.

GeneralvonManiac: And a pleasant place it is, too.

BukkakeNoJutsu: Thanks very much.

-w- easy enough: Come on, if Spaghetti-sama didn't want Neji teased, he wouldn't have made him so teasable.

daniel 29: That's a thought, right enough, but for the purposes of the story, the gifts were just to those named.  
As for Tsunade's gift, it was the high-quality sake she was drinking in 'Giving'.

Zaion Indulias: Glad you liked it. oh yes, there is much potential there, oh yes.

Mark Solo: I have a feeling that meeting would result in a glomping of fangirl proportions. and then a severe arsekicking for Neji, i suppose, but he'd be happy, wouldn't he?

Love Psycho: I hadn't really thought if who the Boss Summon of the cats would be, though you've given me a great idea for a future installment of 'Tales'. thanks!

CelticReaper: wow, i had no idea so many people liked nekophile Neji. it's like Youthspeak all over again.

Loatroll: thanks!

galidarion: meh. Maniacle laughter, demonic chuckle, all good. the important thing is that you're laughing.

Steven Kodaly: i suspect the reaction of Neji + Yugito would be summarised as "Squee, glomp, crush". as for the beard thing, there are mysteries that should not be plumbed, my friend. trust me...

The Last Rising Of The Phoenix: i really don't think of it as Bashing so much as exploring character potential, really. combine the familiar with the odd. that;'s where humour can be found, imho.

flyingsnails: Thx.

noshadowone: i'm imagining Neji adapting an attack from the comic Nodwick: "Summoning Jutsu: OVERLY AFFECTIONATE KITTEN HORDE!". oh yes, there is much potential there...  
anyway, i'm glad you liked it.

zeynel: thanks. yup, going to continue this as long as the inspirations keep falling.

Finbar: Thanks very much.

TharzZzDunN: Well, here's some more, and fear not, i won't!

well, that's that. expect another installment or two reasonably soon. i have one or two ideas rattling around that i mean to get down on paper, so there will likely be more coming.

Stay tuned.


	5. I'm on a mission from Gods

Nope, still don't own Naruto.

'_Thinking'_

"**Kyuubi speaking"**

-Sound Effect-

'_**Jutsu'**_

* * *

"**I'm on a mission from god(s)…"**

Hidan had to admit, the nine-tails jinchuuriki had impressed him. Twice now he'd been shredded by that spiralling chakra-ball technique, the second time actually losing an arm! Sure, it wasn't like it actually slowed him down any, but nonetheless, it had been a long, long time since _anyone_, much less a still-fluffy baby chick of a shinobi had managed to hurt him that badly.

It didn't even seem like he was using the Kyuubi's chakra, either! Just that giant club (which he seemed to be talking to. Creepy.), main strength and those blasted shadow clones.

Thank Jashin-sama for his scythe, too. Seeing the destruction those clones could inflict by accident made him very glad for the ability to keep them at a distance. Immortal or not, being pounded into paste _hurt_.

Still, however strong, however fast, however freakishly skilled with arcane jutsu, this fight would ultimately have only one outcome. The jinchuuriki had to be lucky every time he attacked, after all.

Thanks to Jashin-sama's blessing, Hidan only needed to be lucky once.

It was brief. A mere split-second flaw in the blonde's timing, the mighty tetsubo just slightly too slow in its parry and the tri-bladed scythe tasted blood. Grinning in zealous fervour, the twisted holy man leaped back, drawing the sanctifying seal with the ease and speed of frequent practice. With a darkly joyous laugh that rang around the destruction-strewn area, the crazed demon disciple drove the bladed butt of the scythe into his hip, cackling with glee as the blond collapsed, blood streaming-

"So…that was supposed to hurt me, huh?"

Snapping back into the here and now, Hidan gaped at the blond, utterly unharmed, smirking at him some meters away.

"Bu- How? How could an infidel like you escape the wrath of Jashin-sama?"

"'How', you ask?" chuckled the whiskered container, sheathing the tetsubo in its carry-harness and making hand seals. "I serve a power leagues beyond a pathetic blood-drinking demon. Let me show you, blind one!"

Running a hand over the nick left by the terrified priest's abortive attack, he slammed it to the ground with a roar.

"_**Ultimate Summoning: SAN DAI KAMI!"**_

The seals flowed from his hand, arching into the sky where they twisted and twined into a disk of pure white light, blazing like the heart of a star. And from it emerged a trio of figures that filled Hidan's black and corrupted soul with dread.

Inari, fox-headed, snarling, fangs bared and fur spiked, garbed for battle in armour lacquered rusty orange.

Ganesha, tusks gleaming and diamond-tipped, vast jade mace firmly gripped, eyes red in a trampling rage, trunk curling as he loosed a furious bellow.

But more than the two, the being even now emerging from the summoning portal was what drove the crazed cultist to his knees in primal terror. Noodle-limbs writhing, meatballs pulsating threateningly, eyestalks blazing with divine anger, the Flying Spaghetti Monster answered its disciple's call.

As fangs snapped, as tusks gored and mace rose and fell, as noodles crushed and tomato sauce scalded, Hidan had time for but a single despairing thought.

'_This is going to _suck_.'_

And lo, he was right.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**  
Well, loyal readers, the Muse has returned at last. Several people have suggested the potential outcome of Strong Naruto and his Wonder Club running into Akatsuki ("Squish", essentially), so i thought i'd put this up.  
In truth, i've had this one rattling around the vaults of my mind for a while now, ever since the worship scene from the Library mission chapter. As far as i've experienced, Hidan's the only really religious character in Naruto, and the notion of a face-off between the Jashinist and Naruto the Pastafarian was one I quite simply couldn't ignore.  
That said, be advised that this isn't, for the moment at least, canonical. I may have further encounters between various villains and our favourite orange-loving insurance nightmare ("Hey!"), but they won't be making their way into the main story.

And now, **Reviews:**

EspyLacopa: Heh, well spotted. I've only seen a few episodes of 'Dokuro-chan' so far, and they worry me...

S1R: Um...maybe?

dogbertcarroll: Thanks!

cbadgr: You, sir, have an evil, evil mind. Excellent idea!

Finbar: Yeah, "Kurohime" means 'Black Princess', hence Tenten's comment about feminine names for weapons. Good thoughts on your suggestions, too. I actually considered "Chloroform" as a possible, but thought that might be a bit tasteless. Go figure...

CelticReaper: heh. Copyright issues aside, i'm actually with Naruto on this. Excaliborg scares me. Update whenever I can? i can do that. ;)

Lord Sia: All excellent ideas! Perhaps "the Problem Solver".  
"Hmm, this could be a problem." **crunch.** "Ok, problem solved. Ramen?"

Quathis: Yup, naming your gear is a challenge, but a worthy one. As for Kyuubi, i'm of the opinion that having him as nothing more than a growling, ranting ball of furry evil in Naruto's belly is boring. Snarky, ecchi, twinkle-fearing, Whip-obsessed Kyuubi?  
_Fun._

DustBunnyQueen: Yeah, Kurohime just seemed to fir better, is all. As for Team seven, well, there's something very..._appealing_ about the image you describe, isn't there? Ku Ku Ku...

Lord Dragon Claw: Well done, two Zen points to you! Captain Bravo and Maito Gai meeting? i'll tell you what sould happen: _Pure. Awesome._

Sonar: Thanks!

derek365: thanks a lot! And yes, yes it was a Cool Runnings reference, well spotted! It seemed just right for the scene, nicely understated.

Love Psycho: Ooh, i like cupcakes! thank you.

Progos: ...And yet another lover of Nekophile Neji. are you folks trying to tell me something?

WESTMAN AND L: Yup, one Zen point toy you, my friend. thanks!

flood125: heh. "You hired WHO?!?!" I like.

daniel 29: true, but it's still a funny image, i think.

Mark Solo: glad you liked it, mate. thanks for the kind words!

AngelForm: Thank you very much! though i should point out that i'm not really a genius...

Murasaki Tsukimaru: Ah, someone got the reference! seriously, those two are just too similar for it to be coincidence.  
Olivia? don't think i remember her. Is she from the manga?

Murasaki Tsukimaru (Episode 2): "Executioner Princess"? good name, good name...

Belle Mort 13: I'll take that as a compliment. Glad you liked it!

Firehedgehog: Again, thank you. as long as i've made someone laugh with these drabbles, i've achieved my goal.

T3Ko: thanks!

Skamikaze: Glad you liked it. Hmm, given these are essentially a detached Omale series in and of themselves, would that make the last part a meta-omake?

goddessa39: Yup. Firefly is quite clearly made of Win. As for River/Jayne, that would result in either pearl-tone love and harmony, or utter devastation.  
Cool!

Sithking Zero: Nicely done, three Zen Points for you. and you were kinda right with Buster Baron, given the form it takes. Hmm. Buster Baron vs. Eva Unit 1...  
As for Green Destiny, it's Li Mu Bai's sword in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

TheCentauress: Well, here's one appearance from Akatsuki down. i can kinda see Naruto crunching his way through the whole group, but i don't know enough about them to do it convincingly, sadly. i imagine the joke would wear a little thin after a while, too. Remember, while I might wander through serious now and then, this story is about the funny.  
That said, i do like your idea. potential there, i think...

And that's it for reviews for now. The next few chapters of Tales will be jumping around chronologically a little as i get ideas out of my grey matter and into electronic storage where they can't bother me. I'll do my best to make it clearas to when they're taking place, so try not to get too confused.

**Next on Tales of Oops!: Books! Vengance! Justice! Oh yes, and a Banana.**


	6. Never use the 'M' word

Nope, still don't own Naruto.

'_Thinking'_

"**Kyuubi speaking"**

-Sound Effect-

'_**Jutsu'**_

* * *

**"Never use the 'M' word."**

Hebikuro Akumaru, head librarian of Konoha Central Library, came to with a pitiful groan, wincing at the grinding pain in his head.

'_Ok, I know I didn't go out drinking last night, so why am I hung over?'_

Images flickered sluggishly in his mind's eye. Closing the library for the night…walking along the main street to his apartment…opening his door and…a banana peel? Yes, slipping on a banana peel, then a harsh chemical smell as he lay stunned, and then…nothing.

'_Must have hit my head.'_ He thought. Reaching up to rub his aching temples, the librarian's eyes bolted open at the feel of rough cord binding his wrists, only to whimper as the action sent a jag of pain into his skull.

"Ah, I see you've returned to the land of the conscious, my boy," came a voice from behind him, a smile clearly audible in the tone. "I would apologise for the poor quality of your accommodations, but to be brutally frank I can't truly muster the inclination."

"Who...?"

"Of course, introductions." Chuckled the figure as it stepped into the prisoner's field of vision. "I am Hyakumoku Daihon, Chief Archivist of the Daimyo of Hi no Kuni, Head Librarian of the National Library and, most importantly for you, the recipient of some rather disquieting news concerning the actions of the staff of Konoha Central Library."

"What news?" croaked a voice Akumaru recognised as that of his main assistant Ahotobi. Turning his head, the bound librarian's eyes widened at the sight of his entire staff tied firmly to chairs (taken from the library break room, if he saw aright).

"I'm glad you asked, Ahotobi-san," replied Daihon, his genial, grandfatherly tone utterly failing to hide his distinct air of menace.

"Not long ago, a Konoha Genin team visited the Capital to retrieve a consignment of texts bequeathed to the village. Imagine my shock and dismay when I was informed in conversation with one of these Genin that your vaunted library has taken it upon itself to deny him entry with no good reason."

"I don't know what you're talking about!" shouted Temeko Toki (head of the Reference Section) from her bound position. "We've never refused entry without good reason!"

"Really?" answered Daihon, grandfatherly demeanour slipping slightly. "I have checked through your records during your brief slumber. Three times one Uzumaki Naruto has applied for a library card, only to be three times rejected with no reason cited. Would anyone care to explain?"

"Of course it was rejected! We couldn't allow _that_ thing in here!"

"And why not?" queried the great Librarian, his tone cool.

"What do you mean, 'Why not?'" shouted one of the lower-tier librarians. "It's the demon brat, what more reason do you need?"

Daihon sighed at the chorus of agreement that followed the yell. Patiently awaiting quiet, he drew a small but thick and well-thumbed book from a pocket, gently leafing through it as the shouting faded into puzzled silence.

"Ah!" he said brightly as the last prisoner finished speaking. "Much better. Do remember that we are in a library.

"To return to the matter at hand, then, you say that you have refused him entry to this public library with nothing more than an insulting nickname as a reason, correct?"

Breezing over his captive's attempts at argument, correction or justification, Daihon flipped to a marked page in the small book, cleared his throat and began to read.

"'Omniversal Librarian's Confederation Codes and Laws, Section C, Subsection Seven, Article Twelve: _No being shall be denied entry to any non-restricted public library who does not prove a clear, present and provable threat to the contents, occupants and/or structure of said public library._'

"Rather clear and unequivocal, wouldn't you say, my friends?"

Daihon allowed himself a brief spark of satisfaction at the gob-smacked expressions on the faces of his captives before Hebikuro managed to pull himself together enough to object.

"Wh- You can't be serious!"

"I am entirely serious. Refusing entry on the grounds of something as flimsy as "he's a demon brat" is quite clearly against the O.L.C's bi-laws. You and your co-workers have as good as admitted to it, as well.

"Now," he continued, clasping his hands at his waist thoughtfully, "There is the matter of your punishment…"

"Hah! Do your worst!" snapped Temeko (ignoring her co-worker's glares and shushing noises). "Like that's going to scare us! Any civilian court in the village will come down on our side, you know!"

"And as you are not shinobi, I do not have legal recourse to go to the Hokage, yes, I know. Oh come now," he said chidingly at the startled looks. "Did you really think I wouldn't do my research before coming here? I am Librarian, after all."

"Then…"asked one of the junior librarians nervously, "What are you going to do?"

"Why, I intend to refer the matter to a higher level." Was Daihon's glib reply, bony fingers flicking through handseals.

"Kuchiose no Jutsu: Head Librarian!"

From the telltale smoke of the summoning issued a leathery hand covered in red hair, which Daihon shook.

"Thank you for coming, Sir. These are the guilty parties."

"Ook?"

"Yes, admitted it quite freely. I'd almost go so far as to say proudly."

"Ook. Ook eek."

"Quite right, shameful indeed."

Hebikuro, who along with his co-workers had been staring incredulously at the bi-play between the two, finally forced the words out.

"W-What the hell is going on here? What is that?!"

"Ah!" exclaimed Daihon, clapping a hand on a red-haired shoulder. "My apologies. My friends, may I present the Librarian, Head of the Omniversal Librarian's Confederation. He will be determining your punishment."

"Ook!" grinned the hunched figure, exposing a great number of yellow teeth and somehow managing to cram a good deal of cheerful menace into the single syllable.

A bark of laughter was the response.

"You have _got_ to be joking!" chuckled Temeko scornfully. "A monkey? A _monkey_ is going to punish us?"

"…ook?"

"Oh dear," sighed Daihon at the sound of knuckles cracking (and the Librarian had a _lot_ of knuckles to crack). "You really shouldn't have called him that."

Briskly striding to the door, the gaunt man winced as the first of the screaming began, interspersed with shrieks of simian rage.

"Yes," he sighed. "He really doesn't like the 'M' word."

* * *

Naruto received his library card by courier a few days later. The staff at Konoha Central Library were released from intensive care roughly three weeks after that.

None of them would ever be able to look at a banana without screaming again.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

Well, here's the latest update of 'Tales'. Yes, I like the Discworld series. Such lovely imagery, so very quotable!

I have more than a few ideas for future entries in 'Tales', some of which are related to 'Oops!' canon, others that are very much not. That being said, I'm open to adoption requests for the non-canon ones, as long as some credit is given for the original idea. Just P.M. me if you're interested.

and now, **Reviews:**

T3Ko: Indeed. the Noodly One is great. Yarr.

Sithking Zero: Hmm, a good point. Plus, as we know, a named item will always out-perform it's un-named equivalent. Sword Samurai X would probably do some good against an AT field as well. Interesting...  
As for the frightening thing, i can safely say that my work is done, then.

Lord Sia: Monty Python? close, my friend, but not quite!

Dark Angel: Version 4.0: Either that or Jake and Elwood defeat Hidan through the power of Music. that would be cool. Shades of "The REAL sound nin", perhaps?

Bobboky: "Cannon"? Pun intended? If so, it's a good one.

Quathis: For some reason, you made me imagine a possible crossover between Naruto and Hellsing in which Hidan runs into Paladin Alexander Andersong. now THERE'S a fight that'll take a while. And you know neither will want to stop once they get started.

CelticReaper: Thank you kindly, mate. As for the newest chapter, behold!

Karnen: Thankee!

Midoriryu: Smylingsnake's Rules of Fanfiction Number One: If there may be hidden depths to a character, explore them!  
Glad you liked it!

Midoriryu (Ep. II): Again, i'm glad this humble fic got a laugh.

Firehedgehog: You're welcome.

Legna123: An interesting thought, both of these. cheers!

Belle Mort 13: Now THAT's a reccomendation! thanks you very much!

Narf the Mouse: Heh. "Kuchiose no Jutsu: Over-Affectionate Kitten Horde!"  
Neji is going to have fun with his contract, methinks.

Prustan: Interesting idea, that. I'll give it some thought, though i already have some ideas as to how to explore the Cat Contract.  
I must admit, I had no idea just how popular Kitten-Freak Neji would be. it's a little scary, sometimes.

kyuubi27: Thank you kindly!

Flames Chaos and Wolf: If you'd like to borrow an idea, just PM me first and we'll discuss it.

Paulthored: It's mentioned toward the end of 'Giving is it's own Reward', when Shizune opens her gift. Naruto gave her a bottle of luxury-grade sake.  
Come on, what else would Tsunade get as a gift?

daniel 29: Yeah, i can understand that. And yes, i did borrow the title from Blues Brothers, but that's all. Hope you liked it anyway.

Darchias: Is summoning an Irate Orangutan good enough?  
I really like the Summoning jutsu as a writing tool. it allows for so much potential.

Well, that's it for the reviews for now. I'm honestly not sure what the next iteration of this Drabble display will be. I have about three potential updates fizzing around in my frontal lobes at the moment and little clue as to which one to post. Rest assured, though, I'll do my best to make them memorable.

Thanks for reading, my friends.

Smylingsnake out.


	7. When Special Training goes WAY too far

Behold, for I have returned! And I still don't own Naruto.

'_Thinking'_

_Flashbacks_

"**Kyuubi speaking"**

-Sound Effect-

'_**Jutsu'**_

* * *

**When Special Training goes _way_ too far.**

The figure bolted through the treetops as only a chakra-user could. The cold night air stung his eyes through the slit in his mask, thankfully taking his mind off the screaming of his over-worked leg muscles.

He was being followed, he knew. No sight, sound, smell or trace of the pursuer was making it to his senses, but he could tell. His danger sense was prickling at him constantly, filling him with the urge to _run,_ to _escape_…

_The mission had been going so __well__, too! Infiltrate Konoha's Archives, retrieve kinjutsu, fuuinjutsu arrays and/or kekkei-genkei gene samples and rendezvous with the extraction team. Easy!_

From somewhere in the darkened branches behind him came a faint, faint sound. A mere flicker on the edge of hearing that nonetheless had the black-clad figure gulping soldier pills like cough-drops, icy fingers of terror dancing over his spine.

A tiny jingle of a bell.

_He had gotten in with minimal problems. The chakra-inhibitor seals suppressing his power levels to a civilian level while expertly-forged papers declared him to be a junior archivist, fresh from the Daimyo's court, got him in. Then, a few days to get a sense of the place, some tweaking of the guard roster and an hour's hard work in pitch blackness and he was gone, taking some very valuable sealing scrolls with him._

A flicker on the edges of his vision had him leaping away, heart hammering in his chest. It might have been a mere trick of the shadows that caused the effect of a pair of shining eyes, but he knew better…

_It had been during the escape that it had all gone wrong. He'd been spotted scaling the village wall. Taking to the trees (while silently cursing overly-competent guards) and strewing the area with smoke and gas tags while a quartet of mizu-bunshin laid false trails had lost his pursuers, though._

_Or so he'd thought, at least. At first he'd dismissed it as paranoia, jitters. After a while, though, he'd begun to suspect. The scuffling in the leaves, too close to be forest animals. The glints and flickers as starlight hit reflective eyes. The tiny ringing of that __bell__…!_

_Then he'd reached the rendezvous._

_There is a certain aroma that every shinobi knows. Metallic, coppery and pungent, what greeted him at the meeting place was the far-too-familiar stench of freshly spilled blood, a host of shining eyes…and the soft jingle of the bell._

_He'd run. Not in panic, though it was a near thing. His mental focus narrowing down to_ "Escape!"_ and _"Complete the mission!"_, he had bolted into the dark, silent trees, burning chakra like a pyre, stealth forgotten in his desperate urge for speed. _

Hurtling through the shadowed foliage, he forced another agonising burst of acceleration from his overstressed frame and cautiously allowed a tiny spark of hope to kindle. The border was near! A few more minutes and he would be within range support from friendly patrols! The sun would be rising soon, as w-

'_**Neko-Shibari no Jutsu!' **_

A scream of mingled panic and thwarted rage escaped his lips as the coils of ninja wire cocooned him, his momentum sending him tumbling to the forest floor, the first faint hints of the false dawn through the thinner trees ahead taunting him with their empty promise of escape.

Lying stunned on the fallen leaves that carpeted the unnatural forest, the unfortunate shinobi caught sight, for the first time, of his pursuer.

The eyes were the first to emerge from the shadows, glowing a pearlescent green-white and glinting with a manic amusement at their helpless victim. Tearing his gaze from the eerie glint, he took in, with rapidly mounting alarm, the tight-fitting fishnet outfit, the spools of wire, the well-used and blood-stained climbing claws adorning hand and foot and the wide and sadistic grin adorning the figure's face.

"You have been a very good sport in our little game, Nezumi-san", chirped the figure as, he?, ambled closer, shining eyes appearing in his wake. "Your friends didn't want to play, tried to hiss and claw, scratch and bite. They weren't very fun, so the game didn't last long. But oh!" he said, crouching down with that ever-present grin even wider (revealing canines slightly too long to be natural), "_You_ play _properly_! Such a lovely run you gave us, Nezumi-san, such a lovely chase. You ran and squeaked, skittered and scurried…such a perfect playmate!"

The figure straightened with a contented sigh and a visceral shiver of pleasure, only to consider his bound captive with a suddenly regretful look, grin fading for the first time.

"If it were up to me, you know, I'd let you go," he said in the tone of one passing on a regretful confidence. "Playmates like you should be cherished, after all."

From the edges of the fallen shinobi's vision came a flicker of movement, of many bodies in gentle, subtle motion.

"The trouble is, Nezumi-san," he continued, "that you have taken some of Konoha's special toys. Those toys need to go back. We can't have naughty thieving mice scurrying around Konoha, after all."

Quickly plucking the scrolls from within the binding web work of steel wire that bound the shocked and trembling shinobi, the figure turned and began a slow departure, the rustling of small forms and blinking, shining eyes in the darkness coming closer in turn. Pausing as the first small whimper of terror broke through the captive's lips, he half-turned, catching the fear-filled gaze with one glowing, pearl-toned eye.

"Therefore, Nezumi-san," he said as the chirrups and mews grew in volume and menace, "all that is left for me to say is this: I am Hyuuga Neji, Konoha's Shadow Cat. It was a pleasure to play with you tonight."

As the hungry eyes converged on the screaming, thrashing figure, as the hisses and joyful yowls rose through the gloom of the trees, as the warm copper-scent filled the air, a final, regretful whisper was heard.

"Good-by, little Mousie."

* * *

**Author's Comments:**

See? I told you i wasn't dead! At least this time I have a legitimate excuse for not updating in over six months. Between moving between cities, starting a new (and rather busy) job and all the stresses that go with both, I've had very little time to write and rather little idea of what to write _about._ Thankfully, I had this lurking in my files that I finally managed to dredge up, so here it is! The long-awaited return of Kitten-Freak Neji (emphasis on 'Freak') Consider this to be a potential future emanating from the final scene of "Beauty and the (Green) Beasts". Does anyone really imagine 'Special Training' with Anko to result in anything less?

Concerning reviews. First, thank you (on bended knee) for everyone who has submitted one on my stories. Sadly, due to the backlog caused from my long pause in writing, i won't be addressing any in here. I intend to begin again on the next installment, but due to time and effort, I'll only be answering those raising specific points or questions. I love the "this is good" reviews and appreciate every single one, make no mistake, but i haven't the time to respond to them all.

Anyway, the nest few updates are likely to be in 'Tales' as well, but rest assured, I am still working on my others and fully intend to continue them.

Stay tuned,

Smylingsnake


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